Magick, Mysticism and Mental Illness, Part 2: The similarities between Psychotic and Mystical Religious Experience

To continue from Part 1… This article will discuss the similarities between mystical, magickal and psychotic experience. Psychosis is a phenomena present in several mental illnesses and IMHO is a potential in all of them: severe states of depression, mania and anxiety can and have led some patients to states of psychosis, usually delusional states. (Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.) However, in some bipolar people and people with schizophrenia, hallucinations are also not uncommon. HOWEVER, as you’ll find below, the similarities between psychotic states and mysticism are pretty shocking, and there’s not much of a hop from mysticism to magick.

This is purely speculation on my part, but I wonder if the two experiences (with differing actualities and differing results) have a common root. Mysticism and psychosis are both reinterpretations of reality, the former hopefully leading you into a truer, more whole picture (for better or for worse) and the latter a medical symptom that distorts reality. However, I can say from experience that living through such things can lead one to a greater understanding of themselves and how they fit in the world, since (at least I find) the experience of psychosis to be potentially shattering to the personality. You have no choice but to redefine yourself in such a way as to withstand the next blow.

Anyway…

Picture of Psychosis- Maureen Oliver

How are they similar? How are they different? Comparing and contrasting Mysticism and Psychosis

Now, I don’t want to completely reiterate what I’ve found in Tomas’ Agosin’s very awesome article (see below), but I will be drawing heavily on his criteria as well as supplementing it with my own experience. Agosin’s similarities are mainly focused on mysticism. However, it won’t be too difficult to see the similarities between magickal and mystical experience.

• Intense subjectivity and ineffable quality. I don’t think I need to say that magickal and mystical experiences are intensely subjective, and it can be incredibly difficult explaining one’s mystical or magickal experience to another person in terms to make things easily understood…unless, of course, the person you’re speaking with has had a similar experience. Agosin says, “The person is totally focused inwardly. There is a compelling attraction to what is happening inside so that the outside world and daily ordinary aspects of life seem irrelevant. The external world is only relevant to the extent that it reflects the profound subjective experience the person is going through.”

I can stress enough how true this is. With super intense mystical experiences, the world around you just really isn’t as important, and it can take a while to get back “into the groove”, so to speak. For those of us who are mystically inclined, it can take quite a bit of internal cajoling, self-threats (“you’ll have to pay these consequences if you don’t get up and do your job…yes, I know money is an illusion, so is hunger but it’s not pretty…”) to make yourself come back to the waking world. HOWEVER, the mystic learns to balance his experiences in the waking world, to integrate them as a part of the larger picture, to see the value of his mundane life as a means to apply the lessons learned in his spiritual one. The psychotic, however, may not be able to do this in a manner that is psychologically integrating, at least not while in the midst of an episode. Agosin says that they mystic maintains a healthy attachment to the world:

• Attachment to the world. “The mystic, through practices of self-control, concentration and study, gradually reduces his/her attachment to the world. The mystic sees the material world as transitory and values that which he/she perceives as more permanent, eternal.

The psychotic also detaches from the world in that he/she focuses on inner experiences to the exclusion of socially established rules of behavior. But the psychotic is also highly subjected to profound and intense reactions to whatever is in front of him/her. His/her ego boundaries are easily broken down, and because of the incapacity to control emotions, it is easy for the psychotic to shift from one state to another very quickly, leaving the patient with a disruption of any sense of continuity in his/her sense of self and the world.”

I both agree and disagree. Not all mystics maintain attachment to socially established rules of behavior. The Aghoris and Kapalikas of India are sterling examples of this, as well as many religious practices that are counter-culture to the ruling environment. Many will say LHP people are mentally ill, when I can certainly say I’ve known more than a few mentally stable LHP practitioners who simply did not believe in the same cultural rules as the rest of us.

(Sincerely, “adhering to cultural standards” is a criteria for determining mental health…something I never agreed with and still don’t. Sometimes, counter culture is healthier that pro-culture.)

Mystical experience has also been known to break down ego boundaries, create some intense emotional states and can really make you question your sense of self. I don’t think these markers should necessarily be a criteria for determining psychotic experience UNLESS it fits with other critera, such as duration and frequency of events, as well as identifiable triggers. The mystic should be able to integrate the experience, sooner or later. (On mysticism/magick making you crazy, we’ll get to that in part 3.)

• Sense of noesis. Mystical experience brings with it the sense of being clued into some great, wonderful secret. It brings it’s own high- ecstatic states, inner transformation, a break down of things you thought you once knew. This feels incredibly important to the person experiencing it, and a part of mysticism is being able to not only integrate what you have experienced but *sharing* what is relevant to share with others.

I tend to think that they mystic chooses to share this importance in non-harmful ways (such as writing about it, etc.) and being open to criticism as it comes. The mystic may firmly believe in what he believed, but he will accept you non-belief or even the possibility that all this is in his head. The quality of the psychotic, however, is that no amount of evidence to the contrary will convince him. As my favorite psychology professor once demonstrated:

Patient: “There’s a little green martain in the trash can.”
Counselor: “I don’t see one.”
Patient: “Not in that trashcan, the other one.”
Counselor: “Not here either.”
Patient: “Well, it’s invisible.”
Counselor: “Then how come you can see it and not me?”
Patient: “Only special people with a certain DNA can see it.”

Et cetera. One could possibly argue that initiates of some traditions, orders or paths act this way, though that is remedied with initiation in many cases. The initiates at Eleusis did not understand the mysteries until their initiations were finished- how can you understand what you don’t experience? Can you imagine explaining it to someone who didn’t believe in such things?

Initiate: “And then we drink this drink, and Persephone herself appears from the Underworld! I no longer fear death since I am a Child of the Mysteries!”
Person: “Uh-huh. Why can’t I see Persephone?”
Initiate: “You have to do other things first, prove yourself and all that stuff. Be purified.”
Person: “Why can’t I just see her now, if she’s real?”
Initiate: “There is a special set of rituals you have to go through, first.”
Person: “You’re an initiate, make her come here now.”
Initiate: “Persephone doesn’t come at my beck and call! It just doesn’t work that way!”

See what I mean? While I have no doubt in my mind that the Epopteia at Eleusis was a very real and life-altering experience, I don’t see people “not in the know” being able to really understand it.

• Loss of self-object boundaries, disortion of time sense, perceptual changes. Mysticism, magick and psychosis are also characterized by a loss of ego boundaries. In mysticism and psychosis, there is a sense of interconnectedness: if not with other people, than perhaps a greater awareness of a person’s place in the universe. A person gets a greater sense of their true will, so to speak. There is an expansive sense of self, as if you could contain all possibilities and anything could be done. Time sense is often lost- I can think of several times that I think I’ve been meditating or in ritual for 30 minutes and a full 2 hours has passed me by. The present moment feels eternal (and actually, if you listen to the Zen Buddhists, it is eternal)…so maybe it’s rather shedding the illusion of time sense.

The mystic counters this with a health sense of self, or self image, and ego identity: not necessarily an image of the mortal self, but the true self as it relates to all aspects of the person’s present existence, including the mundane persona that we all must work with. I believe Agosin is correct when he says, “The mystic wants to be an infinitesimal point of consciousness, with the smallest possible ego, so that he/she can perceive life in the least distorted way. The personality is seen as a barrier, a filter that does not allow one’s consciousness to perceive life in its truest form. Humility before the enormity of the universe is a common attitude in the mystic.“

Hear hear.

The psychotic’s experiences, however, seem to be more self-centered, and he believes that HE is the only one able to experience such things, that HE and HE ALONE is “omnipotent and omniscient.”

The psychotic sees him/herself as omnipotent and omniscient. There is a great increase in self-centeredness, with a feeling of being all-important. He/she is the center of the world, and only he/she is sufficiently important to matter. Ego identity and sense of self are ephemeral to the psychotic, and they rarely have a strong sense of self.

Agosin does say, “Ego-identity is shed by the mystic. He/she works to transcend the smallness of ego and tries to find a more expansive sense of self. The psychotic has never acquired a strong ego identity and often clings to whatever fragments he or she can find of him/herself.” Now, in dealing with some of the Western LHP traditions, this may not necessarily be the case. I know that some Typhonian practitioners and Dragon Rouge adherents attest more to ego-exhaltation, the process of making a person a god while still upon earth. While I personally don’t agree with such, I would not go so far as to call such practitioners “psychotic”. And sincerely, I think many of us have known talented practitioners with an ego to beat the band- I know I have. I can almost CERTAINLY name several famous occultists off hand who thought more than a little highly of themselves…maybe they were the Prophet of a New Aeon or the Father of Modern Traditional/Sabbatic Witchcraft. This doesn’t make them psychotic.

I personally would look for some very marked and obvious delusions of grandeur, some of that insistence I mentioned before. There are lots of interesting UPGs floating around out there, and who are we to say what is true and what isn’t? To talk about a topic that was a rather hot one not a few months ago, there are god-spouses and there are god-spouses. There are those that claim that they are “married” to a god and they see it as a healthy expression of commitment, service and the strengthening of a bond. They do not need recognition from others, though if they do they are able to take criticism. And then there are those who insist on legalizing their unions and being honored and hailed as “husband/wife of N.” They will attack, verbally or whatever other way, their dissenters for disagreeing. Hmmmm. Big difference.

And for the record, NO, I don’t believe myself to be a god-spouse. I will write about spirit relationships some other time, but the “god-spouse” phenomenon will have to be based on observation only.

• Perceptual changes/Intense affective experiences. Both psychosis and mystical/magickal experience include changes in perception and strong (sometimes fluctuating) emotional states. While I’ve seen many people assert that it is easy to tell the difference between hallucinatory phenomena/synesthesias and genuine mystical experience, I would like to HUGELY beg to differ. There is a often a profound difference but sometimes, the experiences can resemble each other strongly.

Remember the example I used earlier, of a person considering themselves the “spouse” of a god? There are several famous saints who have claimed to enter into a “mystical marriage” with the Christian Jesus. (The whole god-spouse thing is really an old concept, and shouldn’t be spurned on the basis of how it sounds to the modern ear.) St. Catherine of Siena was one such Catholic saint who claims to have experienced a mystical marriage with Jesus. (2) As cited from a Catholic website: “She received the stigmata in 1365, but there were no visible marks on her. In the year 1366 she had a vision of Jesus giving her a wedding ring which she wore till the day she died, at the age of 33 years. In The Secret of the Heart, by Sr. Mary Jeremiah, theologian and contemplative Dominican, we can read about the deep spirituality of Saint Catherine. He focused on her intimate and loving relationship with Jesus.” This marriage was said to be hugely ecstatic, cause both great terror and great joy in St. Catherine. New Advent defines “mystical marriage” as:

“(1)… the mystical marriage consists in a vision in which Christ tells a soul that He takes it for His bride, presenting it with the customary ring, and the apparition is accompanied by a ceremony; the Blessed Virgin, saints, and angels are present. This festivity is but the accompaniment and symbol of a purely spiritual grace; hagiographers do not make clear what this grace is, but it may at least be said that the soul receives a sudden augmentation of charity and of familiarity with God, and that He will thereafter take more special care of it…Moreover, as a wife should share in the life of her husband, and as Christ suffered for the redemption of mankind, the mystical spouse enters into a more intimate participation in His sufferings. Accordingly, in three cases out of every four, the mystical marriage has been granted to stigmatics.” (3)

There is, of course, the mystical marriage of God and the soul as espoused (pun intended) by St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila, but that’s another beast entirely. We’re talking about the ecstatic, visionary experience of being especially chosen by a god not only for a marriage relationship but also for a special purpose of supernatural import that will effect the salvation of the world.

Keeping in mind that St. Catherine’s stigmata were “invisible”, how do we know the pain she experienced wasn’t an intense synesthesia? How do we know this is a vision, and not a hallucination accompanied by delusions of grandeur? Had we the opportunity to observe St. Catherine, we might be able to find an identifiable trigger that brought on this experience (in my opinion, both psychosis and mystical experiences have identifiable triggers, and magick- by nature- triggers all kinds of interesting spiritual/psychological phenomena through ritual). St. Catherine obviously had a history of such experiences/epsiodes and one could see permanent alterations in her thought processes. This is the woman who went to Rome, at a time when women were expected to defer to a man’s wishes, and ordered the Pope (the de facto ruler of the Christian world) to remain in Rome! If we judge her behavior by the culture of her time, then a practitioner of mental health would have to ask if there was something seriously wrong with a “mere” woman telling the Pope what to do because “God” told her to do it.

(And for the record, I believe St. Catherine’s experiences were legit and I would have love to have been a fly on the wall during that audience with the Pope.)

There are many that like to delineate between positive and negative experiences: saying that it is the psychotic who experiences negative episodes and the mystic who experiences the positive. To that, I would like to say that the people who think so must not have much experience in either.

I do, however. During the height of my own very active mental illness, I experienced what is termed “mood-congruent delusions”: delusional ideas that coincided with my either extreme mania or extreme depression. The nature of those delusions, I don’t feel like sharing, but I can certainly share that these states were similar (though not the same) to mystical/magickal experiences I have had, both positive and negative, in feeling if not in actuality. Both were incredibly vivid and overwhelming. They could be either intensely frightening or incredibly wonderful. Both changed my perception of things around me and how I interacted with reality’s “concretes”. However, there were subtle differences between them, most of the time. During delusional states, I lacked “reality testing” and was unable to bring myself down to a rational level. During mystical experiences, I am better able to reign in my thoughts and achieve a sense of calm and levelness that I can’t during extreme episodes of illness. Following mystical experiences, I am able to examine it and listen to criticisms and consider possible alternatives (am I out of my mind again? How does the quality of the experience compare to others I’ve had? And so on). Also, mystical/magickal experience, while it tends to dissolve the ego (depending on what you’re doing), your sense of ultimate “self” remains intact- in fact, you are probably more aware of it than ever. During my own psychotic episodes, I was completely engulfed in the experience. There was no self- only the dizzying highs of my manic rage and the dragging lows of my depression, and the delusions which accompanied them at their worst.

Notice, though, I said “most of the time”. Following a period where my mental health began to improve, except in very extreme states I was able to maintain lucidity during manic psychosis, which is often a common feature in those with bipolar disorder with the tendency towards psychosis. When on (the wrong) medication to calm my mania, I experienced auditory hallucinations and remained aware that that was exactly what they were and that I should ignore them until they went away. (I am thankfully on a very low dose of the right medication now.)

Back to Agosin. He supports the concept of differences in ego identity: the loss of ego for the mystic and the expansion of consciousness, and the lack of strong ego in the psychotic and the tendency to grasp onto whatever fragments of self they can find. But I want to sincerely point out that magick/mysticism has the ability to utterly shatter the ego and leave the unprepared mystic in a sort of frightening limbo. Agosin also states that serenity is a feature of the mystic, though I would have to be honest and say fear if often a natural response as well. If you study the lives of the mystics or great magicians, you will find both in equal measure. Though, I have to admit that serenity usually prevails in even the most frightening mystical experience, whereas fear is the driving force behind psychosis.

• “Thought processes are not disrupted in the mystical experience. In the psychotic experience thinking usually becomes fragmented and disordered.”

I think I’ve gone over this before. Thought processes most certainly can become disrupted in mystical experience, though perhaps not in the fragmented way of the psychotic. They are more simplified, rather.

So what’s with all the blah blah?

There are many other differences and similarities, but I will leave that up to the reader to peruse and discover in their own time. (Though psychosis-wise, hopefully not through first hand experience.) The point of explicating all this is to illustrate how difficult it can to differentiate between psychotic experience and mystical/magickal experience, and hint at how easily one can blend into the other (which will be better explained in part 3). It’s not that I believe pagans and magickians should accept every story they hear, but maybe that they should take everything with a grain of salt and a healthy dose of compassion and respect. Many prophets of religions, ancient and modern, we undoubtedly regarded as mad by their peers, and many prophets of religions, ancient and modern, probably were. (I could voice personal opinions, but I’ll be nice and keep them to myself.) Think for yourself, question everything and don’t be afraid to decide on your own answers, but at the same time, let others decide on their own as well…wither they’re mystical or mad.

Works Cited:

1. Agosin, Tomas. Mysticism and Psychosis. Retrieved from : http://www.seedsofunfolding.org/issues/11_08/feature_english.htm

2. http://www.catholic-religion-and-more.com/saint-catherine.html

3. http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/09703a.htm

Picture Credit:

1. http://www.voicesforum.org.uk/expsych.htm

(I will be going back through my entries and adding picture credit.)

Magick and Mental Illness, Part 1: An Introduction

“You Cursed My Name” by Franca Franchi

Crazy- it seems like that stigmatizing word is thrown around more often in the pagan and magickal communities than I think I’ve seen anywhere else. Well, that is, besides behind whispered hands and amidst giggles and pitying glances in mental health facilities where I have spent much of my time: most of those times as an employee in various capacities (art instructor for research clients with severe and persistent schizophrenia, a residential counselor for clients with severe and persistent Axis I and II disorders, a job coach for individuals with co-occurring disorders, etc.) and once as a voluntary in-patient while struggling with my co-morbid bipolar disorder and PTSD.

I’ve admitted to being an in-patient at a mental health hospital at one point in my life. You’re still here?

Good.

I studied mental health for a number of years as a Master’s level student before becoming disillusioned with the way the mentally ill are still largely disenfranchised, ridiculed and dismissed by the people who are trained to treat them. While attempting to console clients, interacting with them as an equal, trying to understand the meaning of their symptoms on both a personal and a clinical level, I was often shocked by the way they were treated by my fellow co-workers and the glib way their suffering was handled- little did they know that I had been through similar experiences myself.

After exiting the mental health community and vowing never to return (except perhaps eventually as a researcher) in a professional capacity, I am still confronted often by the pagan and magickal community’s stigmatization of mental illness- “crazy” is a word whispered with derision, disrespect and (dare I say it) even fear. I suspect many pagans, if not simply without understanding, might be afraid of looking in the mirror and seeing some “craziness” in themselves. Perhaps, because of the almost fantastical nature of what we as pagans and magickians do, we are “hypervigilant” against “the crazies” as a way of compartmentalizing weird behavior and beliefs that are labeled legitimate from weird behavior and beliefs that aren’t.

In any case, we should be able to admit that what we do can get fairly weird and is not considered “normal” by mainstream society.

The stance that many in the pagan/magickal community take on mental illness can be pretty severe. Many modern authors caution that if you are mentally ill, you should not practice magick at all. Many Golden Dawn reconstruction groups decline membership to people with illnesses more severe than clinical depression or anxiety, and the Temple of Set most often declines membership to mentally ill applicants unless special dispensation is made. Mentally ill practitioners, rather than being supported or dealt with compassionately and appropriately, are often ridiculed and shunned. Some of this, of course, is borne from negative experiences with those who have untreated or severe mental illness, and a negative reaction is understandable in some ways. Yet, a part of this is borne also from a lack of understanding of what mental illness is and how little choice some have in how their illness manifests itself.

Part of this is because of the opinions of the “Old Guard”. Regardie believed that psychology and spirituality should go hand in hand, and to a large extent, I agree. (1) However, in his basic “Middle Pillar” exercise, he says:

“It will be realized how necessary analysis is as a preliminary routine to magic. The student should have arrived at a fair understanding of himself, his motives, and the mechanism of his mind, and integrated himself more or less thoroughly so that no dissociation or serious neurosis exists within the psyche. For the presence of a powerful complex of associated ideas in the unconscious, or a marked dissociation splitting off one part of the psyche from the other, will have the effect of short-circuiting the flow of energy generated or released by the Middle Pillar. An explosion in the form of a complete nervous breakdown, or even of the destruction of mental stability, will be a likely result. Many instances have been known of unprepared students contracting fatal physical illnesses through attempting work of this nature, though this is more true where Eastern exercises have been unwisely attempted. Some of these unfortunates, when the dissociation was rendered complete, have succumbed to chronic melancholia or taken their own lives. These warnings are not intended to be portentous or terrifying, but only to impress upon the student the solemnity of these undertakings, a journey of self-conquest than which nothing could compare in importance or seriousness.” (Regardie, retrieved from: http://www.davedavies.com/splanet/magic3.htm)

Many other occult personages from this period caution against practicing magick while suffering from mental illness, including Dion Fortune (who linked some forms of mental illness with psychic attack…though I apologize, the source currently escapes me). Psychology as a field was in its infancy at this point, beginning with Freud as a branch of neurology, and so opinions were being revolutionized while still effected by old prejudices.

Do you know anyone who doesn’t fit the bold description? I certainly don’t, at least for the most part. We, as human beings, are complex creatures. Dissociation, neurosis and “a powerful complex of associated ideas” exists in all of us to varying degrees, wither or not we are aware of it. Clinical diagnosis was my specialty when I worked in the mental health field: while I was unable to officially use it (since I was not licensed) it was a valuable tool in dealing with my clients no matter their Axis I or Axis II condition(s). And I will honestly tell you now that I know precious few people without some form of Axis I or Axis II condition, no matter how mild or how severe, and often it is untreated and the person is unaware of it.

Further, I would also like to point out that a so-called “powerful complex of associated ideas”, or let’s just call it mental illness, is not to be blamed so much on ideas but on medical causes, such as changes/differences in the structure of the brain, the condition of the neural connections and the balance of chemicals which are the root cause of mental illness. Mental illness, wither arising from genetic predisposition or traumatic experiences, is a brain disorder with physical as well as psychological roots. It is a medical condition like cancer, like diabetes, like fibromyalgia.

With respect to the video blogger, this is a decent example of many of the present conceptions of magick and mental illness, and she admittedly has some decent points despite some of the misconceptions. Here. She seems to suggest that those with mental illness should avoid “deep” or extended work- she also suggests this for people with certain illnesses with primarily physical effects, such as leukemia or other cancers. I agree with her in that you should be careful of your energy reserves (and in general) when doing in-depth work, or extended work, but that goes with anything and applies to everyone. More so to those who are ill, yes; but those who are ill should not be barred from more in-depth work in the name of maintaining “normalcy”. Should we bar people from certain methods of spiritual advancement in the name of “balanced” mental health, just like I’ve seen mentally ill individuals told by the counselors who were supposed to support them that “you can’t handle college” (when they could) or “working full-time is too much for you” (when it wasn’t)? Of course not, and to do so would be prejudiced. A challenge doesn’t mean an impossibility, and without challenge we cannot grow. When taught how to swim, the mentally ill can handle “the deep end of the pool” just as well as those who aren’t mentally ill.

A friend of mine (Thomas Mack- the man who made Satanism real for me) had some very wise words that sprung from watching the video: “Without going into one of my more long winded explanations her fears, concerns and anxieties about whether someone who is unbalanced should or should not practice magic is her assumption that she has a say in the matter. It is no one else’s opinion who should or should not practice magic except for the person practicing the magic. No one can say what will be the right combination of elements or how long that combination will take to set into motion the magical events which will produce a change in the consciousnesses of an individual no matter how stable or unstable they will be. The worst psychosis can be produced in the seemingly most stable person under the strains of magical and meditative training and no one can say where it will lead. If were are going to use Magick with a “K” then let each man and woman choose their own Will on the subject. For as the Book Of The Law itself states “There is none that shall be cast down or lifted up: all is ever as it was.” (2) simply put each individual whose personal destiny is to be fulfilled by the Laws of Magic will be fulfilled this way, no one else bu you can determine that fact for you. Her point no matter what it is is mute. She has no say in the matter.”

Hear hear!

It begs several questions that honestly don’t have easy answers. Is there a difference between mental illness and mysticism? Can someone be both mentally ill and mystical/magickal? Does magick or mystical experience make you crazy? How do you deal with mental illness as a practitioner? What if someone in your group is starting to act a little nuts?

I plan to deal with a lot of these questions in the upcoming articles. I know several wonderful, amazing magicians with a wide variety of mental illnesses and obviously, I am also a magician with mental illness. It’s a topic near and dear to my heart. Next time, we will talk about the similarities between magickal and mystical experience, and psychotic episodes.

Works Cited

1. Israel Regardie, Middle Pillar, Pg. 104 Retrieved from : http://www.davedavies.com/splanet/magic3.htm

2. Liber AL vel Legis, Chapter 2, Verse 58.

Picture Credit

1. http://ww.w.iconolo.gy/archive/you-cursed-my-name-franca-franchi/1077

Video Credit

1. OFSAdrianna, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTbqD-bZyog

Baphomet- Tarot of the Underworld

“I am Baphomet, god of the Templars, advocate of the damned and guide of the souls through the underworld. In the ancient mystery cults the priest worshiped me as Abraxas, Xnobius or goat-buck who unites aspects of the darkness and light in one single godly image but in truth I am substance imprisoned, the world-creating spirit, who moves in the realm of the shades. For between my horns is a torch alight as symbol of the spirituality which allows itself to be perceived as light, for I am the bringer of light though the darkness belongs to my nature.

And so I bring mankind the hidden knowledge when I appear in their minds as a field of energy and they sense my thoughts and believe they are their own: For I have no physical form, but I am just a point of light moving in their brains.

You too have just visualized me as an image, for I am the seed, called insight by you, which leads the souls back to their own origins. Through me you encounter who you really are, and through me you lose yourself in the one whom you encircle in ever new images. So I am the godly spirit, who has materialized himself in order to show you how you can form ideas from energies and then, from these, substance. And now you arise in me out of the force of totality as a spark of god, projected into space and time. For it is I who creates you through feeling you because you are a part of that which is I, for I am everything which is. Only when I have completely penetrated you, is all the longing of the flesh assuaged. Then you will become like god and recognize good and evil.

But understand that I am more than just the part which touches you here, and you are more than just the part which you encapsulate, for our symbol is the phoenix, the symbol of rejuvenation, the legendary Egyptian eagle of the skies with red and golden plumage, who burns in its nest of myrrh and rises ever new from its own ashes. The final answer to all questions are you yourself, in the innermost eye which conceals itself from you, because it itself is the seeing, for I am the symbol of the spirit which recognizes itself in its own eye and of the shadow which conceals itself in light. In the recognition recognized, beyond understanding, mankind knows, without knowing, that he knows. For now he knows why he cannot know, but because he knows this, he knows-and is silent!only in silence is there nothing more which could be expressed in words, and it is no longer a matter of the images behind the truth, but of the truth behind the images behind that throws the one who recognizes back upon himself: upon the truth behind the mask behind the mask behind which his image of the recognition hides!

For I am nothing because I am all! For being everything I need not be anything else, for I am now the all-encompassing, all-penetrating, all-illuminating “I myself!”

—H.R. Giger and Akron

This message was brought to you by the Angel of Death

The HGA and Shamanic Death/Trauma post, as well as the Mental Illness and Magick post, are going waaaaaaaay out of hand. So, I bring you this. Next time will probably be about mental illness and magick. The time after that, the HGA. I’ve been getting some interesting UPG lately and I need to alter the article.

Stuff in italics are just my notes, and can be omitted from the actual exercise of the guided meditation.

I say, teach me who you are, Azrael,
And the dark angel rose in the sky,
Stretching his wide wings over me.

The earth shuddered beneath an unknown breath,
The chalices of trembling flowers closed,
And the world was suddenly blotted from my sight.

Yet there were still things,
As I heard the weightless crowd
Of dark hours passing by.
And, as if inside me, roses were growing.
In the distance, spheres sang,
Stars were living.

When there was something like a dawn,
And I saw once again Azrael’s great wings,
Which closed and descended from the sky
With all the immense night in them,

He smiled as his fleeting shadow,
Like a bird, pursued its customary song,
Or an enchanted wave, immobile on the shore,
Suddenly beat like a wild swan.
And I saw a sunbeam, arrested on my hand,
Tremble, and gently resume its course.

— Charles van Lerberghe

A Katabasis Meditation to Meet Azrael
by Melitta Benu. Also copyrighted, and I am willing to sue.

This is a katabasis pathworking I wrote at one point for beginners, for working with Azrael. For more information on him, go here: Azrael Wiki

1. Do your usual ritual preliminaries, including (or at least) a strong banishing rite. I would also suggest reading a prayer, poem or something that resonates to Azrael. The above is a favorite of mine, though you can also use the following or one of your own devising:

Robert Glibert Welsh

Sylvia Townsend Warner

2. Relax, get comfortable- that can include lying down or sitting in a chair which will be able to hold all your weight- you don’t want to have a concern for your body at all. Allow yourself to fall into a meditative state. Allow your breathing to become deep and even. Continue in this way for a while, until you are relaxed, and in an altered state of mind.

3. Now, feel yourself get very, very heavy. You find that you are sinking, out of your body, down through the bed/chair, down through the floor, down and down through the earth, and then down through a dark space. It seems almost like you’re floating, you’re falling so gently. You seem to be falling forever- the darkness is absolute, and seemingly infinite.

What you are doing here is a mild form of Katabasis, something I wrote specifically for beginners. You fall first through the earth, then through Erebus, which traditionally separates Earth and Hades, and was considered part of the Underworld. It literally means, “darkness” and is the gulf that separates the living from the dead, and is the first part of the Underworld the dead must pass through to get to Hades. There are some sources that say Erebus is a separate place in the Underworld between (or behind) Tartarus and Elysium, in which sits the Palace of Hades and Persephone, as well as a protogonos in his own right, the husband of Nyx and the god of Primordial Darkness…the son of Kaos. So, the lesson here is that Erebos is everywhere.

4. Just when you think you can’t fall anymore, you gently land on your feet in an underground, circular chamber. It is very vast, and you are right in its center. The walls are made of stone, smoothed by toil and years of water running down its sides. Torches hang on the walls, guttering, barely lighting the darkness, yet the fire is persistent and will not go out. Between the torches are doors of all shapes, sizes and descriptions and so many that you cannot focus on just one of them. You wonder if you are alone here, and you feel a small pang of fear.

This is a symbolic place- it is both a pocket of the personal Underworld and representative of the personal subconscious. All things can be found below, and all realms of the Underworld link up to the primordial places, where everything comes from. The personal Underworld and the eternal Underworld are one place, the difference lies in the perception.

5. You sense something moving in the darkness. You look closer, and a pale woman steps slowly from the dark, a torch held in her left hand high above her head. She is drapped in a dark blue himation, underneath which you can barely make out a chiton which seems both black and shimmering, like the night sky, but it is gone as soon as you focus on it. She is veiled, and the veil covers her eyes and hair. Upon her head rests a crown of asphodel, red poppies, asphodel and narcissus, and one moment it looks as if these are real flowers, and the next as if they were carefully made of precious stones. In her right hand is an opened pomegranate. Her bearing is Queenly, and she seems both young and ancient. It is Persephone, who has come to watch over you in your journey through this part of the Underworld.

Persephone insisted on helping the new initiates, so feel loved. Kuane (dark blue) is a color traditionally associated with her, and mourning, as well as deep, deep water. Her chiton contains represents her reality as the Being of Non-Being, the Great Goddess of the Ain/Unmanifest. Yet, this is not how many, or even most, see her, and it is a great Mystery. The veil covers her eyes, windows to her essence, and her hair, and is wrapped around her almost like a burial shroud. She is pale like all creatures who dwell in the darkness. The flowers of her crown are symbolic of her and her three roles: the red poppies often grew alongside the ripe wheat and were considered symbols of Demeter and Persephone; Asphodel is considered to be the food of the dead and grows in the meadows of the Underworld, and is sacred to Persephone in her Underworld aspects; Narcissus, said to be the flower that lured Persephone into Hades’ grasp, blooms in the springtime and is said to symbolize her rebirth into life. They switch from living flowers to carvings made from precious stones because Persephone is of both worlds, the kingdom of life and the kingdom of the Underworld, equally. The opened pomegranate, found in her myth, symbolizes two things: the bond which she took which unites her always with the Underworld no matter where she may be, and the myriad mysteries of the Underworld, of which she has partaken and mastered. The torch in her hand, found in her traditional symbolism, serves to bring light to both demons and treasures found below- it is symbolic of her illuminating force for both the Mysteries of the Underworld and the enlivening force for the dead. She is young seeming, since she is ever-renewed, and ancient, since she is both Underworldly and Primordial in her most ancient sense.

6. With a sense of great respect and awe, you tell Persephone that you seek to meet with Azrael, the Archangel of Death from the Sikh, Islamic and Hebrew traditions. After a pause, Persephone nods kindly, and turns on her heel to lead you to a door. Follow her. Which door does she lead you to? What does it look like? Take in all the details- the door posts and lintel, the door itself, the door knob. Is it plain? Is it decorated? Observe, and remember.

The door may contain some interesting symbolism. Observe it, write it down, etc.

7. Persephone motions for you to knock. You knock 3 times, and the door gently creaks open, just enough for you to move through. You enter, and wait for Persephone, who closes the door behind her.

8. You find yourself in the middle of a deep forest in the dark of night. Starlight filters through the trees, but there’s no moon you can see, and your surroundings are primarily lit by Persephone’s torch. In the background, you can hear the rush of the ocean, and smell salt in the air, but you can’t see where this is coming from.

The forest is the Wood that exists right before the newly dead come to see Charon at the river Acheron/Styx/depends on your mythology. The starlight represents the presence of the Unmanifest, felt strongly in the Underworld, but obscured by the newly deads’/initate’s attachments to life and the things of life, their encumberment in samsara, the wheel of rebirth. You hear the ocean, the presence of the great divine, and it permeates the very air you breath, but you are unable to see it as of yet.

9. Persephone beckons you to follow her, and leads you through the woods. You can’t see any discernable path, but her footing is very sure, and you stay close behind. You walk through the trees, and then come to a cave. Persephone, unfaltering, walks into its dark mouth, and you follow, trusting.

You descend deeper into your personal Underworld, deeper into yourself. You are able to go to these places because Persephone leads you, and she is the Mistress of the Underworld and knows it like she knows her own heart. Without her guidance, you could be lost, or hurt, unprepared to face what you find.

10. You walk down a set of rough stairs, deeper into the earth, until you come to a wide room. Three of its walls are stone, and covered with many different glyphs and designs so esoteric, it’s hard to understand them or even focus on them. They are beyond your comprehension at this point. The room is filled with the sound of a thousand tongues whispering. The forth wall isn’t a wall at all, but an open space which fades into a shore.

The shore is made of grey and sparkling sand. The black waters lap at the shore gently, and perfectly reflect the vast starry night sky above them. Both the sea and the sky seem endless, and stretch on forever. In the sea, there is a tiny island, close enough for you to see but far enough away that you cannot reach it. On this island is a tree, laden with pomegranates.

The glyphs and designs are representative of your personal magick, and represents your personal, spiritual being, which you do not yet remember. These carvings are understood by Azrael and Persephone, who know you as a spiritual being. The shore of grey and sparkling sand is the last vestige of the Underworld that is recognizable to mortals…this fades into an ocean, which is a symbol of many things: it symbolizes the Underworld in its most divine form. The night sky represents the Unmanifest, the Ain. Both reach into forever, and connect to each other on the horizon. At their essence, at the deepest of levels, they are one place. The stars reflect perfectly from the sky into the ocean- these are the realized spiritual beings shining in Union with both the Underworld and the Unmanifest. The tree on the island is the Tree of the Underworld. There is a lot of conjecture about this tree that I will let sit for the time being, but those who have looked around enough, know. Azrael guards this tree. The island from which it grows represents the patch of dirt Azrael wrested from the earth so that God (Allah, Muslim myth) could create man. As you can see, it is fertile ground for the Tree.

The sound of the whispering has to do with Azrael’s mythos- his body is said to be made of tongues and eyes: as the eyes blink, a person dies. The tongues whisper the name of ones who at that moment die. More will be said in a moment.

11. You focus on a figure in the center of the “room”, who is writing in the largest book you’ve ever seen. He or she is constantly writing and erasing in the book, carefully and meticulously copying and erasing, over and over again. He is wearing an ancient looking robe that might have been black once; its hem and sleeves are frayed, its color is more brown or grey from wear and age, and it has been patched or stitched in places. You try to focus on the figure, and you can’t seem to decide how he looks: one minute, he is an ancient skeleton, the next, a handsome man or woman, and then a being of iridescent darkness. Perhaps he has four faces, perhaps he has one. Around his head is a halo made of this iridescent darkness. His wings are large and sweeping, and it seems like there are four thousand if you look hard enough. His wings are dark, and each feather, which seems to be made of the darkness of deep space, hides an eye which gleams and shines like a star. Many of them blink.

Azrael is said to be forever writing in a large book which contains the names of all who have lived or died. He writes the names of the born and erases the names of the dead- it is the Book of Life, literally. It is as if he keeps the records of those who leave the Underworld and erases their name when they return. The material of his robe is as old as the Universe, and Azrael has been around since the first being that ever came into life passed into death. Azrael changes appearance according to his nature: he is death, so he is skeletal. He is an angel, and so is made of the primordial substance, divine fire. He helps mankind and is a fully realized being, so he is seen as our ideal- a perfect man or woman. The halo around his head is dark, shining with the primordial, divine fire of his being, the energy of the Underworld and the Ain at their most basic level. In mythology, he is said to have 4 faces, and each may correspond with the stages of man’s cycle; birth, prime, death and discarnate existence. In myth he is said to have 4 thousand wings, and poets describe that they hold “all the immense night in them”, non-existence, death. This is reflected by the eyes, like stars, which shine as they are realized and blink when a person dies.

12. Azrael looks up, aware of your presence, and the image you see is swept away. Before you is an image of Azrael that you are able to be most comfortable with. The sound of the whispering fades to a barely audible hiss. Azrael looks at you kindly, lovingly, and stands to greet you. What does Azrael look like now? What is Azrael’s presence like? How does Azrael greet you?

This may reveal more how you see Death and/or Azrael. What does he look like? What does his appearance mean to you? His greeting? How his presence makes you feel?

13. Azrael takes you hand and leads you to the shore, where you both look out over the ocean. Listen to what he has to say. Converse. Or simply spend time together.

14. At the end of your conversation, you ask Azrael to show you a symbol from the walls of his room. Does he show you a symbol? Which one? What does he tell you about it?

15. When it is time to go, Azrael clasps your hand and bids you a warm farewell. His hands are cool to the touch, but not uncomfortable. He steps back to his book and continues his writing and erasing. Persephone touches your arm, and leads you back the way you came.

16. You walk up the stairs, and through the mouth of the cave. You walk through the woods. You come back to the door, which looks as if it is free standing. Again, you knock three times on the door, and it creaks open for you. You squeeze through, and Persephone follows, shutting the door gently behind her.

17. Persephone leads you back to the center of the room, and you thank her gratefully for her help and protection. She bids you a kind farewell, and fades into the dark.

18. Suddenly, as you are wondering how you’re going to get back to your body, you begin to feel weightless where once you were heavy. You float out of the chamber and back into the blackness. You float from the blackness through the earth. You float from the earth through the floor in your room, through the chair, and back into your body.

This is just a reversal of the Katabasis, you coming back to your body.

19. Take some time to come back to awareness. Take some deep breaths, flex your fingers and toes, and center yourself before you open your eyes. Come back to regular awareness and continue as you will.

Obligatory Update Post

I have three new posts that I’m working on. That’s right: 3. One is nearly finished and will be published this weekend. The other is halfway through. The other is highly dependent on my UPG.

So, in the meantime, I bring you links, pics and music videos. Because I can.

 

First, The Witch of Forest Grove tells us how to see in the Dark.

“The wolf does not apologize to its dinner, the lightning to the tree it strikes, or the bee for its sting. As a witch I will not apologize for my nature. There is a reason poison plants are associated with us: they are poison and medicine, witch and witch doctor. There must be balance. Be too light in your measurements and nothing will happen, be to heavy handed and you will kill instead of cure… Accept responsibility for your power and accept there may be consequences for your actions. Complete awareness is key.”

 

 

The Wild Hunt makes a stand for Santa Muerte

“Considering the amount of overlap between modern Paganism and the African/Caribbean diasporic religions, we certainly can’t afford to simply claim it’s not our struggle. A new moral panic about non-Christian faiths would damage us all, and that’s something none of us can afford at this critical juncture in our movement.”

 

 

And the Lares!

“I cannot just suddenly call a lost uncle and request a favor when I have never spoken to him prior, regardless of the good intentions to meet for the first time (as my half-sister discovered when she wanted to reconnect family ties). As the pessimist that I am, I will first assume the ties were damaged through generations that first need mending and then learn the appropriate methods of veneration and offerings. Most of my books pertain to the ancient Greek religion, so I currently find myself lost on where to begin, but as a bookworm and psuedo-historian, happy to begin the journey.”

 

 

Rufus Opus talks about the Favor of Kings

“I’ve seen it in other places since then. I’ve found methods of accomplishing this result in my Work in all the spheres, with all the angels. Saturn makes you wise, and can put you in positions of influence with powerful people. Jupiter makes you Kingly yourself, and people like hanging out with Kingly types who are quick to laugh healthy, hearty laughs. Mars establishes you as a key person on any team with targeted goals. The Sun just fucking crowns you the Golden Child, makes you shining and brilliant, and people flock to you. Venus makes you inspirational. Mercury makes you eloquent. The Moon teaches you the ways of the Glamour.”

 

I’m a child of the 90s. Shut up.

 

Jack Flash, awesome-sauce as always, has some thoughts on the Black Brotherhood.

“In the context of real, occult practice, however the issue is a bit murky for me. I have to acknowledge the way that Crowley worked the Black Brotherhood into the Vision and the Voice and Magick Without Tears. In both contexts, he uses the term to clarify what he considers “evil” magick, and in MWT he even contextualizes an example where one may be a crap magician doing it wrong, or one could become his ideal abomination.”

 

Gee, Melitta, why aren’t you posting on his stuff about the dead/the underworld etc.? Because there are other postings in the works inspired by his stuff. Including the Hand of Glory posts he made and working with human remains (YMMV on that).

 

And of course, when Sannion makes a post about Orphic afterlife beliefs, I HAVE to include it!

“According to this view the gods did not bestow free will upon us. Rather it is a fundamental part of our nature arising from the antithetical elements of our being which are in perpetual conflict with each other – Zagreus representing our noblest, purest and most beautiful aspects seeking to free themselves from the corrupt, perverse and bestial influence of the Titanic within us. This dualism is not inherently moral – though it often gets expressed that way – but rather is a case of similar qualities being attracted to themselves and repulsed by their opposites. Nor is it necessarily anti-materialistic.”

Actually, I may write more about the Orphics at a later date, and use this as a source. So much inspiration, so little time.

 

Links that made me think: Dying Before you Die

After reading some blog entries, I wanted to post about some of the thoughts they had provoked in me. After a while, I realized that this would end up being a multipage entry, so I’m splitting it into pieces. A lot of these thoughts are coming out of the nigredo period I went through not too long ago (and true to albedo, I’m finding pockets of nigredo here and there and the peacock’s tail is waving right in my face). Amidst all the distractions, it’s been difficult getting my spiritual butt into gear, though I’ve been making some progress and things are starting to steadily improve. (Which is good, by golly!) This will be quote heavy, since these entries will be about me processing and drawing in some things.

One of the things I’ve been thinking on is what I really want out of all this. The answer hasn’t changed in the 15 years I’ve been dealing with magick (as a kid, as a dabbler, as a ceremonialist and reconstructionist, and finally striking out on my own as a nekromantis), no matter how many evolutions my practice has gone through (i.e., a metric butt-ton), my goal has remained the same. Nirvana, moksha, annihilation, whatever you want to call it. While power is nice, I don’t want it for its own sake. Despite whatever egocentric bad-ass fantasies I have (and I know I’m not alone, here) there is no point to power without a purpose. Same with knowledge. Same with anything, really. And for me, that point has always been the utter reunion with the place we all come from- that primordial void which, for me, is both the deepest and most final of deaths but also the most uplifting of immortalities because you remember the thing that you are…which perhaps, in my opinion, is nothing, or no-thing. Something which is personified for me by my gods, Hades, Persephone and Dionysus in particular, but also some figures I’m not quite comfortable talking about yet.

Donderdag- Dying Before You Die

The author in this link talks about experiences with his HGA, something which feels alien to him since he’s so strongly identified with the ego, with life experiences and his situation in life. (Which I think is something most of us know rather well.)

However, when I listen to Tolle long enough and try to be in the NOW, I realize, on some level, that this awareness lies deeper and is much more important (dare I say ‘absolute’?) than the thoughts or beliefs I have about this world. Things like “the map is not the territory” gain a much deeper meaning. — Donderdag

Indeed. We get so wrapped up on so many levels. Ego awareness is ingrained in us as a consequence of living. We interact with the material world, become further enmeshed in it, and while YMMV, sometimes I feel like I’m moving through a morass, a swamp where the mud is sucking me down deeper but I honestly can’t see a way out, other than through. Material life is a necessity, however you look at it, and it isn’t the material bits that are evil in and of itself (since all things are Siva, after all) but rather our inordinate attachment to it. We’re always chasing something: sex, money, power, illusory concepts that we can’t take with us once we fall down, unable to get up ever again. Shit, even loftier concepts like knowledge and love (in the romantic and erotic sense, because every good Greek knows there’s Aphrodite Ourania and there’s Aphrodite Pandemos, there’s the celestial and there’s the telluric) aren’t things you can take with you, except in the form of karma (and yes, I believe that knowledge gained through initiation is karmic). You enter this world naked and vulnerable and you leave the same way.

“Every way leads to hell and there’s no way out, nothing left for you to do. Nothing can possibly satisfy you anymore. Then, if you’re ready, you’ll start to discover inside yourself what you always longed for but were never able to find…the life of the senses can never fulfill us, even though the whole world tells us the opposite. It was never supposed to.” — Peter Kingsley, In the Dark Places of Wisdom

As mortals, we need these things for survival. But as little gods, if we don’t draw from them their intrinsic value and continue to lust after the means, rather than the ends, what good is everything? Why do you think renunciation has been such a strong trend for spiritually devout seeking liberation?

“And then I heard him talk about a form of meditation called “Dying before you die”, practiced by Sufis. And something clicked. It made sense. You come to peace with the fact that your mind and body, and with it this material world, will come to an end. You will die. You will be forgotten. And everything you ever accomplished, everything you ever created will be lost.

What this means is that you allow your ego to die before your time in this world is actually up. All your fears will disappear. You will no longer take life so seriously. You would come to peace with what is.”— Donderdag

Ironic, but one of the most intimate acts
of our body is
death.

So beautiful appeared my death –
knowing Who then i would kiss,
i died a thousand times before i died.

“Die before you die,” said the Prophet
Muhammad.

Have wings that feared ever
touched the Sun?

i was born when all I once
feared – i could
love.

— Rabia, 8th Century Sufi Poet

This is a practice I had heard of before. It’s something I try to cultivate in my daily life, and honestly, most of the time I fail. Or I feel like I do, and that’s the obsessive perfectionist in me- either you succeed or you fucking die trying.

Dying before you die is equal parts sacrifice and love. Again, love. There is love and there is love. There’s the love you feel laying next to your lover and there’s the consuming, soul-burning and life-shattering love you feel for your Beloved, which many say is your HGA and many say is your god but I say it can be a lot of these at once, and more. Love in this case, the Ouranic love of Aphrodite, the self-sacrificing love of Persephone, the willingness to let go of everything even as you co-exist with it, work with it, get your hands dirty in it…like the lotus which has its roots in the mud and yet rises above it into the open air. Meditation wise, you can find it in zazen, you can find it in katabasis, you can find it through bhakti and you can find it though a million, million ways as long as you are looking and as long as you are willing to pay the price for it. The price, of course, being you. Nothing less will do. There is no running, no making excuses, no following distractions because if there is, then you will simply remain caught in maya on some level.

Simple non-attachment really isn’t that simple, eh? Because non-attachment, this love and sacrifice, this movement from light into darkness (which contains the light in itself, the sparks of the celestial fire) requires a movement from being into non-being, from existence into non-existence, from things into no-thing. Because, in the end, as the Hindus say…Tat Vam Asi, THAT is what you are!

“…Being and Non-Being comingle and give rise to an inexorable longing. It will be this essenceless essence, this identity that is finally released from fixation upon itself that, in the Mysteries, will liberate both the souls of the initiates, who must ultimately face the fate of the dead, and Persephone herself who already has.” —Charles Stein, Persephone Unveiled

Persephone’s journey into the Underworld, her rape/seduction, is for me a very potent example of a Goddess making the same journey from Being into Non-Being, and becoming Being and Non-Being comingle. As Charles Stein points out, Hades is the Primordial Dark Lord who brings her down into the dark, and shatters her being as the “Kore”. She becomes the Being of Non-Being, the mask of Hades- as perhaps she always had been. When she emerges as the Bringer of Rebirth (the Spring), she still carries with her that unity with her husband, Death, just as she re-establishes unity with her Mother, who is Life. This path to non-existence, like Persephone, travels through both realms.

How do you do it? It either seems like you just do (through whatever method you choose) or you get taken there by force.

And afterwards…will you come back? Will you choose to remain as many of the mystics do and forsake the material world utterly? Or will you return and share what you have seen? Wither you’re a mystic or a magician, there is a choice to be made between the two and IMHO, it also depends on what your karma is. Until you work through your attachments, as long as you (as an awesome friend of mine says) “keep some poisons”, return is inevitable, and so is reintegration. As long as you live, there is some attachment to the material world, some necessity to look after, something, and so there will always be a continuation of eternal return, katabasis and anabasis. Your choices will, again and again, lead back to the material world where we live much of the time- and back to your ego.

As Jack Faust once said to me, “That’s why actual death (rather than spiritual or mystical oriented death experiences) remains important. It sheds those last links so that we can completely rejoin the flow to which we were first attuned and which we consciously made ourselves in life…Ego death and the inevitable return, but it’s always best if one gets a head full of brew and realizes that even death is beautiful. Why else would, to this day, one find the libations poured to the dead still happening in our world? They never leave us. They return. They get stuck. Like us, I think. The Land of No-Thing and the world we live in are, I think, actually attached at the hip.”

And in that case…maybe there is no up and down. Maybe there is no here and there. If it’s all one thing, undifferentiated, then perhaps its not so much a matter of dying but realizing that you’ve already died. A la’ the Aghoris, the corpse is your ego, the self-deception that keeps you from realization and You, dancing upon it, are free of it. Or maybe it’s simpler than that. Maybe its as simple as waking up from a vivid dream. Maybe its as simple as opening your eyes. Simpler. Maybe it just is. Tat Vam Asi.

Well, I blew my wad blathering on here. Next time (or the time after that)…Trauma and Shamanic Death Trips, the HGA and Hekate as Initiatrix. I’ve got some rather excellent links for you all.

So, also, remember my post about the Satanic Panic (and how it should die already)? Raven Larabee has graciously consented to be interviewed. Hopefully, that will be up sometime soon.

Been thinking on love, lately.

I’ve come to think that wither or not you are loved back, or loved in the way you need, isn’t as important as if you love to begin with. It’s still important- relationships can’t be or last without reciprocity or needs being met. But, some would say love is not real or is pitiful if it isn’t returned, and I say that it is a beautiful and painful thing in its own way, in its own right. It’s a gift with two edges. Love is worth having if it comes from a deep place, if it transforms you and if it brings out the best in you- even if it’s a painful thing.

Now sleeps the crimson petal, now the white;
Nor waves the cypress in the palace walk;
Nor winks the gold fin in the porphyry font:
The firefly wakens: waken thou with me.

Now droops the milkwhite peacock like a ghost,
And like a ghost she glimmers on to me.

Now lies the Earth all Danae to the stars,
And all thy heart lies open unto me.

Now slides the silent meteor on, and leaves
A shining furrow, as thy thoughts in me.

Now folds the lily all her sweetness up,
And slips into the bosom of the lake:
So fold thyself, my dearest, thou, and slip
Into my bosom and be lost in me.

—Alfred Lord Tennyson